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Denial

“So, are you excited about the move?” That is a question
I have been getting almost every day since we announced that we are moving – and I find it awkward every single time (those of you who have
asked, please don’t be offended; this is me, not you). Every time I get this
question, I pause. The reason I find it awkward is that I don’t really know how
to answer it. If I say “No” – which I usually do – I risk sounding spoiled and
ungrateful.  I am moving to Zurich, after
all – the city that has been ranking consistently among the top three highest-quality-of-life
cities worldwide – in a spectacularly
beautiful country where everything works to perfection; not to a less-developed
one in the middle of nowhere. If I say “Yes,” I feel like a traitor; I’m
betraying all my dear friends here in Vienna, whom I am going to miss terribly.
How could I possibly be excited about closing this chapter of my life, leaving
them behind and moving on to a new adventure?
A few days ago, a friend of mine commented on how cheerful
I look, indicating – in her mind – that I am reconciled with the idea of moving
and looking forward to it. That could not be further from the truth. I am
not only not reconciled, I have not
even begun the process of
reconciliation. To answer the original question, I am neither excited nor
un-excited; I’m just not “there” yet.
For weeks now, my days have been crammed with so much
logistics and preparation that my brain has been on autopilot – my emotional
brain, that is. I have not had time to digest and internalise the reality of
the move and what it means to me emotionally, least of all admit that it is just
around the corner. With hardly two more weeks of Vienna left and only one week
until the movers come and pack up my life and take it away from the place where
I have lived it for the past eleven years, I am only now starting to do the
math.
I have been and still am in complete, absolute denial
– of what is about to happen and of how much it’s going to hurt. When there is
the certainty of impending pain on the horizon, isn’t evasion a perfectly
normal human reaction? Still, the rational me acknowledges that, even though I
may try to avoid it, pain is a given that will eventually catch up with me. My
choice is either to go through it now, while I am still here with my loved ones,
or wait until it catches up with me when I am away – alone.
I can’t tell you
yet which side of me will win – the emotional or the rational – but so far the
latter is making a point of not missing any of those goodbye coffees, brunches,
lunches, drinks and dinners, not to mention the family parties, which are
piling up on my agenda for these last two weeks. That should help. Let the floodgates
open J.

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