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As the date of the move
is approaching, more and more people are asking me how I am doing with the
preparations and whether I am excited about moving. I am grateful for those
questions because they make me appreciate how much I (we) have already done, which
is reassuring and brings down my stress level a bit (well, at least temporarily,
because there is also that spreadsheet with all the things we haven’t done yet, but I
won’t dwell on that). When I talk to people, I also realize that I have not allowed myself to be
terribly excited about this move. This is partly due, as I have mentioned before,
to my reluctance to leave behind so many dear friends; but it is also part of a
pattern of mine: keeping expectations low to avoid disappointment. In this
case, I try not to have very high expectations – on how smooth the transition will
be, how much I will like the city, or how nice the people will be. Some call me
a pessimist; I like to call myself a realist J.

Seriously though, I
believe that managing expectations can have a major impact on the quality of
the experience of starting a new life in a new country. Whose expectations?
Not just your own, but also those of your partner, your children – the people
who are moving with you. Expectations can make a transition smoother or bumpier,
more exciting or more frustrating. Expectations affect our attitude to a great
extent and they say attitude is half the battle when we deal with challenges.
There are all sorts of expectations and assumptions involved in a move, but
here are some of the “usual suspects” that can get you in trouble or help you
have a smoother ride:

You may assume that you know a place just because
you have travelled there before or are familiar with the language and culture. Tourism is not real life – and don’t get me started
about business travel. Once you settle somewhere, what you thought was
interesting or cute or exotic will become your daily reality – minus the
excitement of novelty. If there were things that might have bothered you in a
place, but didn’t really because you knew that you were there temporarily, you need
to be prepared to deal with them on a regular basis.

Also, you may be fluent
in the language of the place you are moving to or you may think you know the
culture, but that does not mean that you will adjust instantly. Just
because you’ve watched many Hollywood movies and have been to New York once
does not mean that you know American culture and will have no trouble getting
used to life in Memphis, Tennessee. As a German you may assume that you will be
totally comfortable in Austria, since you speak the language, but the reality
may be different (as many Germans find out). A French national moving to
French-speaking Canada may also be in for a surprise.

You may assume that you can handle any move just
because you’ve moved before. Every
move is different because every country, every culture, every society is
different and they present different challenges. There are, of course, many
similarities among international moves, but you still need to keep an open mind
and be prepared to do the transition work – not to mention the homework prior
to the move.

That said, there is an advantage to having gone through
several moves: you are more likely to be familiar with the stages of
adjustment (think of it as something like the stages of grief J). Roughly, there is the initial excitement and busyness
of the move; there is the “oh-my-God-what-have-I-done” phase; the homesick and
lonely phase; and finally (hopefully!) the phase when you feel settled and
comfortable. It helps to know what’s ahead and what you can look forward to.
When you are sad, missing your friends, it is consoling to think that this is
only a time-limited phase that you will get over, eventually. Knowing that
there is a curve and what part of the curve you are on helps you look forward
to the next phase.

You need to have realistic expectations about work. If you are moving because of a new job, it’s
important that you have an idea how intense your first months on the job are
going to be and how much time you will have available to invest in the
transition process. If you are moving with your family, that will make it
easier for you to budget reasonable – but crucial – amounts of time to help them
settle.

It helps if everyone in on the same page. While we are on the subject, I cannot stress enough
how important it is that expectations are aligned within the family, especially
between partners. If you’re going to be killing yourself at work for the first
few months of the move, it helps if the rest of the family knows that and is prepared –
especially your partner who is going to do the bulk of the (moving) work. Being
the latter person in this upcoming move, I find that knowing in advance what kind of
support I will (or will not) – have in managing the move and settling down helps
me anticipate and plan ahead, while avoiding tension and resentment.

If there are children
involved, it is essential to anticipate how they are likely to deal with the
move, so that you can support them as much as possible. For example, besides
the fact that children can have a wide range of reactions depending on their
personalities, it helps to know that often their reaction is time-delayed, or
that it can take them up to a year to adjust fully.

I am trying to keep an
open mind about what’s ahead. I know that I will need to work hard and I try to
prepare for that as much as I can. I know that I will have to be there for the
children and support them in their adjustment process, even if that means that
I will have to pretend to be a little less lonely or sad or homesick than I am
in reality. I also know that, if I am open to it, eventually I will feel good
in my new “home.” I am just hoping it will take me less than nine years this
time!

How do you deal with
expectations when going through a move?

I just came back from another trip home. It was short, but it
felt good. Too good.

It’s funny how all the academic conversations I have
about where or what home is and what it feels like to be there can suddenly
crystallize in a single moment (well, more like a few very distinct moments). It’s
during those moments that the idea of home becomes clear in my mind. It’s nothing
that I don’t already know, of course, but time and distance tend to make such
ideas blurry and abstract and it’s nice to get the occasional confirmation.

I immediately know I’m at home because of how I feel the
minute I land. It’s an emotional reaction that I don’t get when I touch
down anywhere else in the world, including my current place of residence. Maybe
it’s the color of the sea or the dryness of the landscape I grew up in; the joy of hearing my
native language; the way people around me interact; or maybe it’s all of the above. I can’t put my
finger on it, but I know I’m home. I am welcome here. I belong.

The first thing that became clear to me this time,
once again, is that part of feeling at home is the fact that I “get” the people:
I can connect to they way they think, feel, function and interact; I don’t have
to think (much) before I talk or act – at least I don’t have to sensor myself or
worry about being misunderstood.

We took public transport a lot because my son is – how
should I put it – a lover of the public transportation system. He loves
going on bus rides, subway rides, tram rides, you name it – just for the fun of
it. Destination is a minor detail. So on our second day in Athens we decide to
go to the movies – not to a theatre near my family home, but to one at the
other end of town, just so that we can go there by public transport. As soon as
we enter the subway, two young girls, who were seated, immediately stand up so
that my children can sit down. I am positively surprised. Then the elderly lady
who is sitting next to my son suggests that she moves over a bit so that I can
squeeze in between her and him (three of us on two seats – obviously she does
not have personal space issues) and be closer to my kids. I
politely decline, even though she keeps insisting for a while.

I forget how how friendly people are here, especially
to children. We go on a bus and people just start talking to us. Two older
ladies address my children by their first names (they’ve heard us talking to them a few minutes earlier). They tell them to be careful and to hold on to the
handles and one of them shares her  personal story of how once she was on the
bus and fell and went to hospital etc. etc. Then they go on talking to each
other – two complete strangers. What normally bothers me when I’m in Vienna –
people giving my children or me unsolicited advice – I find pleasant here.

It’s also amusing to notice again how football (soccer)
teams are a big deal in Greece. My son happens to be wearing the “right” Greek football
team jersey that day (for the parts of the city that we visit), which makes him
popular with most people we meet – he gets a lot of comments and questions
about his football skills.

When I’m in Greece, I enjoy striking up conversations with
people I don’t know – in shops, cafes, on the street. I think it’s partly
because I know I can’t do that where I currently live. My husband correctly
reminds me that my fellow country people are not always as nice and polite; that
there are many instances when I am outraged at those same people – like when I
drive my car and nobody lets me pass at an intersection; or when people cut into
my lane right in front of me without warning; or, the worst of all, when they
don’t respect pedestrian crossings. He also mentions that he, as a foreigner, does
not always get the same treatment as I do, which is true – and regrettable. I’m
not blue-eyed; of course he’s right. But it does not change the fact that during
those few moments I just described, I feel completely at home; and it becomes
clear why I feel that way here and not in other places.

I was reading an article in the New York Times the
other day with the title: “The New Globalist is Homesick” (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/22/opinion/many-still-live-with-homesickness.html?pagewanted=all).
The illustration attached to the article is very powerful; it shows a group of
people, most likely a family, sitting
around what looks like a dinner table. An ordinary scene, except for the fact
that one of the diners is shown as an outline, or rather a shadow, giving us a
sense that he or she is there, but not really there.

The author of the article claims
is that, despite the fact that global mobility and the ideology that underpins
it (individuals can be at home anywhere in the world; mobility is beneficial
and therefore desirable) have become accepted as central to a globalized
economy, mobility comes at a high (psychological) price. Its devastating costs
are homesickness, displacement, even depression. We may delude ourselves by
discounting homesickness as a sort of rite of passage or by thinking that we can
remedy it with modern technology; but the evidence shows that homesickness does
not go away.

The author concludes that our ties to home are stronger than any cosmopolitan philosophy.

I suspect that many of you may have a different
opinion. Is the need for home – and by
extension homesickness – part of human nature? Is our belief that we can be
less homesick because we can Skype and email regularly with our loved ones only
an illusion; and do all these modern communication technologies only make our
sense of displacement worse?

Have a great weekend!

P.S. The Diary is taking a break, so there will be no
posts this coming week. I felt homesick and had to do something about it J.

Now that I have a plan
for tackling the practical aspects of building a support network, how do I deal
with the social aspect of it?

One of the qualities I
admire in people who move every few years is their ability – and willingness –
to start over every time. To manage the daunting logistics of a move and to
build a support network over and over again, but especially to create a new circle
of friends, usually from scratch. For me that is the hardest part – not only making
it happen, but also accepting the reality of it.

I have many friends who
believe that every move is a sensational opportunity to meet new, interesting people.
You end up with friends in every corner of the globe – and that is a blessing.
I agree with that. It is indeed a great feeling to see familiar faces
everywhere you travel. Whenever we go back to Boston, Paris or LA – our
previous homes – we will always have a place to stay and dear friends to visit. Having
the opportunity to catch up with friends in places as diverse as Kuala Lumpur, Washington
D.C., Helsinki, Mexico City or Sao Paolo (among others) is kind of cool, I must
admit.

On the other hand, I
miss those people very much and every time I leave them, I regret that we are not
living in the same city. I believe that I am relatively good at maintaining
long-distance friendships, but that does not mean that I’m enjoying having my
loved ones so far away. I like being able to call up a friend when I’m not
feeling well – or when I have some good news to share – and meet them and talk.
There is something to be said about the beauty of the deep friendship bonds
that you can create when living in the same place, where you can have regular
interaction and share the little things of every day life. I also love bringing
people together; I love the sense of community that creates. You need to live in
the same location for that to happen.

So I’ve established that
building a new circle of friends in my next “home” is not something I will do
light-heartedly.  I still need to figure
out how to do it. There are two
schools of thought on how to approach the social aspect of expatriation.
According to one, there is no better way to adjust and get settled in a new
place than to fully immerse oneself in its culture and people. The idea is to
socialize only (or mainly) with locals and to aim at becoming part of their community
– with the ultimate goal of “going native.” According to the second school of
thought, seeking out other foreigners – preferably but not exclusively from one’s
own culture – is the best and easiest way to build a support network and cope
with the challenges of an international move.

I find the first
approach reasonable, assuming it works. If your goal is to get the most out of
your experience in a new country, then you need to get to know the place, its
people and its culture and you need to do that through first-hand experience. Learning
the language helps tremendously. However, some cultures and
societies are more familiar with foreigners and more open to them than others,
so it depends where you are. If your sole focus is on assimilating in the local
culture and becoming part of the community in a society that is relatively
closed, it could be a frustrating experience. Also, how long you’re planning to
stay somewhere usually influences the amount of time and energy you are willing
to invest in submerging into the local culture. There are other factors
affecting the success of such an approach, such as whether you are moving to a
big city, where it’s harder to get to know people – compared to a smaller community;
or whether you have opportunities in your daily life to come into contact with
locals.

I understand the rationale
of the second approach as well. We do tend to gravitate towards people with
similar backgrounds and experiences. A fellow foreigner will understand much
better than a local the challenges of an international move, which you are
currently going through; they will be able to point you in the right directions
when building your support network (after all, they’ve had to go through the
same process themselves not too long ago). Communication may be easier with
English as a common language; if neither party is a native speaker, it is also
on more equal terms. Transitions are emotional times. Sometimes you just want
to be able to express those emotions – both the excitement and the frustration –
and know that the other person will understand exactly what you’re talking
about. Last but not least, as a foreigner you may have more opportunities to
meet other foreigners – through school, work etc.

Of course, this approach
can be taken to extremes. There are Greeks who have lived in North America all
their life, who do not speak a word of English, just as there are Americans
living in Germany not speaking a word of German. If you only seek out and
socialise with people from your own culture, you end up living in a bubble,
which defeats the purpose of moving and neutralises all its advantages.

Ultimately, each one of
us decides which approach fits better with our needs, personality and
circumstances. The two approaches can also be combined as different stages of
the adjustment process: maybe in the beginning, when you don’t know a soul in the
new place, it’s easier to get to know other expats; when you have a solid circle
and feel confident enough, you can reach out to the locals.

I will go for that
mixed approach. My instinct is to seek out fellow expats first and that’s what
I’ll do. I’ve joined online expat forums in Zurich already and plan to become
member of a couple of local expat groups. I have been introduced to friends of
friends who live or have lived there and I am already amazed at how open and helpful
they have been. At the
same time, I am very open to meeting Swiss people. I suspect I will have
several opportunities to do so through the school, the day care, the
neighbourhood or our various activities. At the end of the day, what is
important is to have friends – no
matter where they come from. So whatever works J.

How do you go about building
a new circle of friends when you move? Do you have a conscious strategy or do
you leave it to chance?

What I’m going to miss
most about Vienna, besides my dear, wonderful friends, is neither the culture
nor the excellent public transport network. It’s our support system – this
elaborate logistics mechanism that we have set up around our lives over the
years, which keeps these lives running (well, most of the time). It’s the
schools, the shops, the services, the schedules, the activities…But mostly it’s
the people; the social network that we have built, without which we would not
be able to function. These people are our family, friends, colleagues, caregivers,
teachers, doctors, suppliers – everyone that helps make our life easier both in
practical and in emotional terms. It took us a while to set up this system and
make sure it’s fully functioning. We have had to adjust it every time one of
the variables – our life circumstances (children and their life stages, jobs,
caregivers etc.) – changed, but the basis was always there.

Why is this system so
important? A good support system makes life less stressful and allows us to preserve
our sanity when things get hectic or challenging. Literally, studies show
that having a strong social support system is vital to maintaining mental
health. The System brings predictability and consistency to our lives, which is
particularly important for children. It allows us to plan our everyday, our special
events, our vacations and even our getaways (we know that, because The System
is there, everything will still be standing when we come back). With four kids and
two careers to manage, it is essential that The System works.

The move will upset this
delicate, painstakingly achieved balance. Given that The System is largely
location-specific, we will have to build a new one from scratch in Zurich. This
will be a slow, gradual process. It will take a while until it is up and
running and even then, there will be the necessary testing period, the
adjustments, smoothing out the “bugs.” After that, updating it will be an ongoing
process. As I’m contemplating how to go about doing all that, two questions occupy
my mind. First, do I have an overarching principle that guides me in organising
this support system? And second, how can I get a head start?

To answer the first question,
I believe that continuity is key.
Every move is a transition – or rather, a series of transitions on multiple
levels – for everyone involved. Transitions are inevitable, necessary and even desirable,
but they can also be challenging. Maintaining an underlying continuity can make
transitions smoother and easier. In other words, given that there will be
enough change coming our way, keeping some elements constant should provide a
feeling of familiarity and security, and help reduce the unavoidable stress of
moving.

What does continuity
mean in this case? One aspect of it is linked to physical space. We will have a
new house, which is already different than living in an apartment. Keeping some
elements from our place in Vienna will hopefully contribute to creating a sense
of home and help us adjust more easily to the new environment. Again, this is
particularly important for children, who need stability in their natural
“habitat.” For example, I am thinking of having our kids choose what they take with them and
what they leave behind (though I may draw the line at some point) and also
engaging them in arranging their rooms in a way that they will feel as comfortable
as possible.

Schooling and
extracurricular activities are another dimension where continuity is critical.
We thought it was important that our children continue on the bilingual
(English-German) track that they started here in Vienna, so we chose a bilingual
school in Zurich as well. We will try to organise activities – both theirs and
our own – that will have as much overlap as possible with those they (we) engage in
here in Vienna.

Last but not least, one
of the most important elements in our children’s everyday life, besides
schooling, will be their caregiver. It will be hard for them to say goodbye to the
people who have taken care of them for so long, but in the spirit of continuity, we thought
of taking with us a former caregiver, a wonderful person we’ve known for years
and with whom the children (and we) are very comfortable. We are happy that she has agreed to
join us in Zurich.

Now that the “basics”
are settled, I am trying to get a head start on the other building blocks – the
not-so-peripheral “peripherals” – of our support system. A lot of those
arrangements can be done from a distance – online or by making a few phone
calls.

For example, coming back
to my post from last week, finding a Greek school was crucial, so I called the
Greek embassy and found, not one, but three. Also, the children’s activities
are very important. My daughter was worried about being able to continue her
Taekwondo practice, so I found her a place where she can do that. Needless to
say she was thrilled. Our lives would not be the same without soccer, so finding
a good soccer club is next on my list. Then there is day care, music school,
etc. not to forget a yoga studio – because grownups need continuity too. The
list is long.

For all those things,
getting recommendations from people who live in the new place and whose
judgement one trusts makes a big difference. We are lucky enough to have very
good friends living in Zurich, so things are a bit easier for us. If that were
not the case, however, my strategy would be to seek out people who have been – or
are – in the same situation with us – mostly other expats – and draw on their
knowledge and advice.

All that mostly settles
the “practical” dimension of The System. What cannot be done from a distance,
but will be even more crucial, is the social network aspect of it. I will
talk about that in my next post.

How did you go about building
a support network when moving to a new place? What were the challenges you
faced and what helped you overcome them?

Have a great week!