In the first and second post of this series, I looked at why relationship breakups are much harder for expats. One key reason is that expats find it much more difficult to reconstruct home. In my third post, I explored ways for expats to rebuild home after a breakup, mostly by using their internal resources. In this post, I highlight ways that the community can help divorcing expats get the practical and emotional support that they need in order to cope.
Unfortunately, there are not many resources out there for expats dealing with relationship breakdowns. This is what makes the role of the expat community even more critical.
If you are part of such a community, there are three things you do to help.
First, don’t stay away.
Separation and divorce are taboo subjects in expat circles. Why? Because breakdowns are believed to be contagious. They highlight the reality that expat relationships can end and, it is feared, make those in fragile relationships more likely to consider the option. So best to isolate the virus before it can spread. The unfortunate result is that expats experiencing relationship breakdowns get isolated, in situations where their support networks already are tenuous.
If you are part of an expat network and see someone experiencing these challenges, fight the impulse to stay away. Offering help, even if it’s just listening to someone tell their story, can make all the difference. Friends, even new ones, can ask questions, try to understand the real challenges, and identify the kinds of support that will help the most. For instance, understanding a person’s concept of home and the loss of home that a relationship breakup implies for them could be very useful in determining the kinds of resources and support that they would need to cope.
Second, help them identify support resources.
As I discussed in the first post of this series, expats going through relationship breakups in a foreign country often face tremendous challenges operating in an unfamiliar language and navigating the local legal system. Whether you do it as an individual or by taking initiative in the context of a local expat support organization, you can help expats going through a breakup get access to relevant information and resources by:
· Synthesizing, translating and providing information, ideally accessible online, in English (or in other languages) on local legal frameworks for family law.
· Organizing access to legal advice in English (or other languages), for example, through the use of qualified volunteers.
· Providing guidance on dealing with the financial implications of divorce. This would include matters linked to pension systems, insurance, local bureaucracy and others. This could also be done through networks of qualified professionals, ideally volunteers; and by making the relevant information and resources accessible to non-local language speakers.
· Organizing access to counseling and/or therapy for expatriates going through a relationship breakdown, again through networks of qualified professionals, volunteer or not.
· Bringing together and organizing communities, forums and support groups of expats going through such experiences.
Third and finally, if you’ve been through this experience yourself, consider offering to coach a fellow expat going through the same familiar challenges.
The idea of volunteer expat divorce coaches was perhaps the most interesting one I heard during my research. In the words of Nour, the expat divorcée I mentioned in my previous post, “The problem is that people don’t know what’s out there in terms of resources. People need divorce coaches.” A divorce coach offers both practical guidance and emotional support. Ideally, it is someone who understands the challenges, either from personal or professional experience, and helps people navigate the whole process – legal, logistical, emotional.
While divorce coaches have existed for at least a decade, there are no specialized divorce coaches for expats yet. These could be volunteers who have been through the experience and, irrespective of their professional background (legal, financial, coaching/ counseling etc.), are familiar with cross-cultural issues and have a solid understanding of both local legal systems and the international implications of expat relationship breakdown.
…expatriate life equips them with traits and skills that are invaluable in coping with relationship breakdown: resilience, endurance, adaptability, and an unmatched ability to create home wherever they are.
As I hope has become clear from this series, relationship breakdowns are particularly devastating for expats. In addition to the unavoidable feelings of grief, anger and disorientation, expats experience a particularly intense loss of home – along many dimensions – and they do so without the support systems they would have had at home. At the same time, however, expatriate life equips them with traits and skills that are invaluable in coping with relationship breakdown: resilience, endurance, adaptability, and an unmatched ability to create home wherever they are.
While, unfortunately, there are limited external resources for expats going through failed relationships, I hope I have communicated the importance of raising awareness about the challenges and the many different ways in which expats themselves can create appropriate resources and support each other through those difficult times. They don’t call it an “emotional boot camp” for nothing; it is painful and tough, but the reward is that one emerges from it stronger and, most times, even happier than before.
Below are some examples of resources that are available for expatriates going through relationship breakdown:
General information on expat divorce
Frances Robinson, “Divorce and the EU Expat: Here’s How to Go
About It,” Wall Street Journal Expat, April 21, 2015; http://blogs.wsj.com/expat/2015/04/21/divorce-and-the-eu-expat-heres-how-to-go-about-it/
Debra Bruno, “Divorce, Global Style: For Expat Marriages, Breaking Up is Harder to Do,” Wall Street Journal Expat, March 18, 2015; http://blogs.wsj.com/expat/2015/03/18/divorce-global-style-for-expat-marriages-breaking-up-is-harder-to-do/
Mark King, “Warring Across Waters,” The Guardian, September 19, 2009; http://www.theguardian.com/money/2009/sep/19/expat-finance-divorce
Henry Brookman, “The Difficulties of Divorcing Overseas,” The Telegraph, March 24, 2011; http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/expat-money/8356609/The-difficulties-of-divorcing-overseas.html
Articles written by legal professionals
“Divorce Abroad: 10 steps to protect your children;” http://www.expatica.com/ch/family-essentials/partners/Divorce-abroad-10-steps-to-protect-your-children_106043.html
Jeremy D. Morley, “Top Ten Tips for Expats;” http://www.international-divorce.com/Top-Ten-Tips-for-Expats.htm
Susan Harwood, “Expat Divorce: What You Need to Know and What Not to Worry About;” http://www.expatexchange.com/article/4238/Expat-Divorce-What-You-Need-to-Know-and-What-Not-to-Worry-About
Examples of expat divorce articles with a local focus
“Getting a divorce in Switzerland;” http://www.expatica.com/ch/family-essentials/Divorce-in-Switzerland_106669.html
“Expat divorce in the UAE – 10 frequently asked questions;” http://www.thenational.ae/blogs/your-money/expat-divorce-in-the-uae–10-frequently-asked-questions
“All You Need to Know About US Expats Overseas Divorce;” http://www.expats-moving-and-relocation-guide.com/overseas-divorce.html/- sthash.zKkrYTFI.dpbs
A comparison of national family law/divorce regulations among EU Countries
https://e-justice.europa.eu/content_divorce-45-el-en.do?member=1
Divorce Coaches
There are many divorce coaches, unfortunately, not many specialize in working with expatriates. Some examples:
http://www.purepeacecoaching.com
http://www.untangletheknot.com
http://certifieddivorcecoach.com
Articles about the benefits of divorce coaching
https://erickson.edu/blog/divorce-coaching/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/19/your-money-what-can-a-div_n_1897963.html
https://www.thestreet.com/story/13293683/1/hiring-a-divorce-coach-can-save-you-a-bundle.html
This series of posts is based on a presentation I gave at the Families in Global Transition conference (FIGT16) in Amsterdam on March 12, 2016.
Tanya Crossman
Thank you so much for compiling this information – the posts and the resources. This is such a big issue, and one that receives little attention. I will be keeping this post handy for future reference!
KV
So glad you found this useful, Tanya!
Mia Bloemenkamp
Thank you, thank you so much!! These articles have been one of the more useful things I have seen with my situation. I am currently going through a divorce, with the added challenge of a brutal custody battle over our 2 year old son.
My ex is Dutch, I am not, we lived in Holland together for 5 years. In the time since I was pregnant, he has been very emotionally abusive to me, gaslighting, to the point where it wore down my self-esteem to the point of insanity. I really needed to leave the marriage and take my son when my ex's father got violent with me last December, among other things that happened that month. Our marriage was quite the fairy tale in the beginning, but it eroded into him eroding my self-confidence as a mother, and him and his family working together, using the fact that this is their country, to get Veilig Thuis (Dutch Child Services) to take our son away. My ex has unlimited access, and our son is living with his parents, one of whom was violent with me. I only get to see him once every 2 weeks for an hour, and am desperate to be able to afford a lawyer so I actually have a relationship with my son. I am getting more desperate every day, and my son too, I see it in his eyes. His first conversation, a few weeks ago, was "Mama go?" He has no voice, so I am his voice.
The sad thing is too, I never hit my son, and only lost my temper with him a handful of times, like most parents. My ex on the other hand tends to meet tantrums with frustration. If he has tantrums with me, they're very short lived. And I grew up in a house with abusive parents, and reported them to the law, and they did nothing.
Sorry for the long post, I saw this and thought finally, someone is finally addressing expat divorces! Though I'm not the only one, another issue to address is custody battles, and how they tend to be biased when you are divorcing your ex in their country, wherever in the world you are.
And if anyone has a minute, please sign and share our petition! We are compiling a nice mountain of evidence based on facts that says I am an amazing mother, much taller than their pile of evidence based on emotions and fear that I'm somehow toxic for my child.
http://www.petitions24.com/bring_xavier_home_to_his_mama
Ryan Biddulph
Incredibly important message here. I reckon those expat divorce rates will rise as more folks gravitate toward this lifestyle. Being on the road for 7 years with my wife has been so fun, and challenging as hell too at times LOL. Lots of uncomfortable situations to embrace as couples, as a digital nomad or full time expat in one country. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Ryan
vlachosk
Thanks, Ryan! Relocation(s) impose an extra set of challenges on expat couples, in addition to the ‘normal’ marriage challenges. Glad you guys are enjoying the journey! Cheers, Katia